The POP-ED - Good Night M. Night: Criticisms of a Real Nincompoop

Here's an idea for a movie: this guy lives in an apartment in Philadelphia. He walks the dark streets of the city and seems to contemplate life all to much while looking at himself in the mirror or at his reflection in a puddle. He's a single father, who's still in love with his ex-wife, even after she ran off with their family friend and took their daughter out west after the custody battle. One day, while watching TV and contemplating his life even more, he notices some weird occurrences on the Pacific Coast. Apparently, an army of giant cockroaches have built a catacomb system under San Francisco and were planning an attack. Some homeless guy was unknowingly walking over their underground homes when the ground caved in to reveal the huge bugs. Many of them got away from the barrage the SFPD sent their way. Our protagonist thought it was a bit strange, but went to bed and didn't lose sleep over it. Upon waking up the next morning, he felt different. He felt like he knew his purpose in the world. He would go to San Fran and win his ex-wife and daughter back, while saving them from cockroach annihilation. He flies out there and finds them, scared and surprisingly glad to see him. He tells them to hide in a basement. He goes to the chief cockroach and barters with him for the lives of the humans. For some reason, they oblige him. Before they shake hands, he winks at the big bug. They touch hands, and he collapses. A midget-sized alien is pooped out of his butt. He is anointed the king of the new cockroach army. He takes his ex-wife's hand and anoints her queen. They go on to rule Earth and a galactic empire.

Congrats to me!!! I just wrote M. Night Shyamalan's newest movie!!! Give me $5 Million, Hollywood!!!

We've all seen the elfish looking, douche-bag Hollywood director, who somehow is still in the business after The Sixth Sense. This guy makes absolute crap, people, and he's as conceited as all hell. How does no one notice it? Okay, maybe I'm wrong. Some people do notice it, but Jesus, does this man need the boot off of the big screen, or what?

Every time he releases a movie, it's billed as the next big mind-blower or the next freakishly creepy film. Newsflash: they never are!!!! Granted, as previously stated, The Sixth Sense was solid. It was his first legitimate Hollywood movie, and I'm disregarding the crap he made before (Wide Awake, for example), which stunk to the gates of Hades. Everything after the Haley Joel Osmond breakout performance, however, has been rotten, stinky feces thrown onto the screen and called a movie, yet for some odd reason, this guy is heralded by so many as brilliant, young and hip. Every year, it seems as though his movies are winning the Razzie. Every year, it seems as though he releases the worst movie or biggest disappointment ever. Let's take a look at the line-up of poo since the Sixth Sense.

Unbreakable: Here's a slow-moving, unbelievable tale about a would-be superhero (Bruce Willis) who discovers his powers and learns about his enemies. I guess in this day of superhero blockbusters, the movie has a decent idea, but all I can remember from it is the deathly slow pace and the complete lack of action. I mean, I haven't heard of too many superhero flicks where they talk their differences out diplomatically in the final scene. I really remember this movie just being boring. Unfortunately, all in all, it's probably the best of the worst.

Signs: Probably his most hyped movie ever, Signs tells the tale of aliens coming to Earth after creating crop circles. But these aliens, although smart enough to travel through vast regions of space, don't have weapons, only a green, arm-fart gas that seeps from their wrists. OoOoOoOhhhh. Scared yet? It was billed as amazingly terrifying work by the impish director, but ended up being frustratingly delicate in every sense of the word. Mel Gibson wanted to weep the entire movie, and his children were downright annoying. Went into the theatre looking for a scare and walked out laughing.

The Village: Another over-hyped movie (get the pattern here) that didn't come close to satisfying moviegoers. This one was supposed to be terrifying and grotesque, just like Signs, but was laughable once again. This time, we were supposed to be afraid of the "scary beings" in the woods. Turns out, it's just a guy in a suit, who was hired by the town's elders to spook the people into complacency. And then, we get thrown into a love story that no one really cared about. In the end, the village in question was stuck living in the 1700s while the rest of the world marched forward into the 21st century. Stupid idea. Not scary. Not moving. Not entertaining. Not fun.

Lady in the Water: Maybe M. Night's movie previews always look creepy because he chooses the most albino-looking chicks ever to play his roles. This movie was hyped amply once again with weird, semi-scary previews. And then, I watched it. In the theaters, no less. Wasted a good twenty bucks on two tickets for this crap. I feel bad for Paul Giamatti, who's a respected actor, but just made a terrible choice with this one. I kid you not when I say that the movie gives everything away before it happens. To a T. We're supposed to be afraid a a pack of mystical wolves in this one but we already know what is supposed to happen to them. And we can't even experience the suspense of the buildup because they tell us how the story goes mid-way through the damn movie. It won four razzies, including Worst Picture. In the end, Lady Should've Drowned in the Water.

The Happening: Here's the latest Razzie-winning excuse of a movie by Legolas. It gives us a cheap flashback to the sci-fi of old, with a family of three running from a green toxin in the air. The movie largely misses on the big screen. Kirk Honeycutt of the Hollywood Reporter put it perfectly when he said it seemed "more like an episode of the Twilight Zone." And many questions seem to go unanswered about the biological threat. Once again, the film was over-hyped, marketed as a horror flick, and failed to entertain or make logical sense at any point. One word: boooooooooo!

This is Shyamalan's legacy. It's tarnished with the stench of the corpses of at least five or six Hollywood films. Someone please stop this man. He's killing the industry. And if he really thinks his next project, Avatar: The Last Airbender, will be a success, he truly has gone off the deep end. After such a stirring movie in The Sixth Sense, M. Night's fall has been long and hard. R.I.P. any decent ideas in Shyamalan's mind, for they have been on a different train for quite some time now and don't appear as though they want to return.

Anyway, I thought that idea with cockroaches and butt-aliens wasn't too bad at all. At least to M. Night's standards. Any takers? Disney? Miramax?