The POP-ED - Good Night M. Night: Criticisms of a Real Nincompoop

Here's an idea for a movie: this guy lives in an apartment in Philadelphia. He walks the dark streets of the city and seems to contemplate life all to much while looking at himself in the mirror or at his reflection in a puddle. He's a single father, who's still in love with his ex-wife, even after she ran off with their family friend and took their daughter out west after the custody battle. One day, while watching TV and contemplating his life even more, he notices some weird occurrences on the Pacific Coast. Apparently, an army of giant cockroaches have built a catacomb system under San Francisco and were planning an attack. Some homeless guy was unknowingly walking over their underground homes when the ground caved in to reveal the huge bugs. Many of them got away from the barrage the SFPD sent their way. Our protagonist thought it was a bit strange, but went to bed and didn't lose sleep over it. Upon waking up the next morning, he felt different. He felt like he knew his purpose in the world. He would go to San Fran and win his ex-wife and daughter back, while saving them from cockroach annihilation. He flies out there and finds them, scared and surprisingly glad to see him. He tells them to hide in a basement. He goes to the chief cockroach and barters with him for the lives of the humans. For some reason, they oblige him. Before they shake hands, he winks at the big bug. They touch hands, and he collapses. A midget-sized alien is pooped out of his butt. He is anointed the king of the new cockroach army. He takes his ex-wife's hand and anoints her queen. They go on to rule Earth and a galactic empire.

Congrats to me!!! I just wrote M. Night Shyamalan's newest movie!!! Give me $5 Million, Hollywood!!!

We've all seen the elfish looking, douche-bag Hollywood director, who somehow is still in the business after The Sixth Sense. This guy makes absolute crap, people, and he's as conceited as all hell. How does no one notice it? Okay, maybe I'm wrong. Some people do notice it, but Jesus, does this man need the boot off of the big screen, or what?

Every time he releases a movie, it's billed as the next big mind-blower or the next freakishly creepy film. Newsflash: they never are!!!! Granted, as previously stated, The Sixth Sense was solid. It was his first legitimate Hollywood movie, and I'm disregarding the crap he made before (Wide Awake, for example), which stunk to the gates of Hades. Everything after the Haley Joel Osmond breakout performance, however, has been rotten, stinky feces thrown onto the screen and called a movie, yet for some odd reason, this guy is heralded by so many as brilliant, young and hip. Every year, it seems as though his movies are winning the Razzie. Every year, it seems as though he releases the worst movie or biggest disappointment ever. Let's take a look at the line-up of poo since the Sixth Sense.

Unbreakable: Here's a slow-moving, unbelievable tale about a would-be superhero (Bruce Willis) who discovers his powers and learns about his enemies. I guess in this day of superhero blockbusters, the movie has a decent idea, but all I can remember from it is the deathly slow pace and the complete lack of action. I mean, I haven't heard of too many superhero flicks where they talk their differences out diplomatically in the final scene. I really remember this movie just being boring. Unfortunately, all in all, it's probably the best of the worst.

Signs: Probably his most hyped movie ever, Signs tells the tale of aliens coming to Earth after creating crop circles. But these aliens, although smart enough to travel through vast regions of space, don't have weapons, only a green, arm-fart gas that seeps from their wrists. OoOoOoOhhhh. Scared yet? It was billed as amazingly terrifying work by the impish director, but ended up being frustratingly delicate in every sense of the word. Mel Gibson wanted to weep the entire movie, and his children were downright annoying. Went into the theatre looking for a scare and walked out laughing.

The Village: Another over-hyped movie (get the pattern here) that didn't come close to satisfying moviegoers. This one was supposed to be terrifying and grotesque, just like Signs, but was laughable once again. This time, we were supposed to be afraid of the "scary beings" in the woods. Turns out, it's just a guy in a suit, who was hired by the town's elders to spook the people into complacency. And then, we get thrown into a love story that no one really cared about. In the end, the village in question was stuck living in the 1700s while the rest of the world marched forward into the 21st century. Stupid idea. Not scary. Not moving. Not entertaining. Not fun.

Lady in the Water: Maybe M. Night's movie previews always look creepy because he chooses the most albino-looking chicks ever to play his roles. This movie was hyped amply once again with weird, semi-scary previews. And then, I watched it. In the theaters, no less. Wasted a good twenty bucks on two tickets for this crap. I feel bad for Paul Giamatti, who's a respected actor, but just made a terrible choice with this one. I kid you not when I say that the movie gives everything away before it happens. To a T. We're supposed to be afraid a a pack of mystical wolves in this one but we already know what is supposed to happen to them. And we can't even experience the suspense of the buildup because they tell us how the story goes mid-way through the damn movie. It won four razzies, including Worst Picture. In the end, Lady Should've Drowned in the Water.

The Happening: Here's the latest Razzie-winning excuse of a movie by Legolas. It gives us a cheap flashback to the sci-fi of old, with a family of three running from a green toxin in the air. The movie largely misses on the big screen. Kirk Honeycutt of the Hollywood Reporter put it perfectly when he said it seemed "more like an episode of the Twilight Zone." And many questions seem to go unanswered about the biological threat. Once again, the film was over-hyped, marketed as a horror flick, and failed to entertain or make logical sense at any point. One word: boooooooooo!

This is Shyamalan's legacy. It's tarnished with the stench of the corpses of at least five or six Hollywood films. Someone please stop this man. He's killing the industry. And if he really thinks his next project, Avatar: The Last Airbender, will be a success, he truly has gone off the deep end. After such a stirring movie in The Sixth Sense, M. Night's fall has been long and hard. R.I.P. any decent ideas in Shyamalan's mind, for they have been on a different train for quite some time now and don't appear as though they want to return.

Anyway, I thought that idea with cockroaches and butt-aliens wasn't too bad at all. At least to M. Night's standards. Any takers? Disney? Miramax?

Dispatched - Foreskin: The Armor of the Genitalia

This is the most outrageous story I've read in some time. Good parents buy soft toilet seats. Bad parents buy giant wooden ones. It's as simple as that. Doctors say that an increase of penile "crushings" has occurred with boys who have just been potty trained. And heavy seats are the culprit. Or maybe we need more foreskin in this world. It would definitely offer some serious protection from such accidents. Think about it, America. Keep the penises safe, people!!! Check out the article.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28390912/

The POP-ED - A Sucker for Special Editions

The day after Christmas had me at Best Buy amidst the droves of shoppers and returners. I was a shopper in this instance and a bargain shopper at that. I snagged eight DVDs for 51 bucks. Some were my favorites and some were just damn good. I'll give a brief description of each along with a rating and a recommendation. I'll start with my least favorite.

Team America: World Police ($5)
At five bucks, I thought this movie was a steal. It's first on the list only because I've yet to see it, but it's made by the producers and writers of South Park, so you know it's gotta be gold. The story follows a counter-terrorism unit that fights world crime. The main character is an actor turned special agent. Did I mention the characters are string puppets? IMDB.com gives it a 7.3 and being a huge fan of South Park, I can definitely say that I'm excited to see it.

Mortal Kombat ($5)
I know, I know. It's a bad movie. But it's a classic in my book and some of the action really isn't all that bad. The games for Sega Genesis and Playstation were great. And still are for that matter. Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe was just released and is already a huge hit. Anyhow, I find the movie to be entertaining and even find some of the mythology behind it to be intriguing. Like I said though, it's not winning any academy awards and the storyline is as simple as it gets. See it for some cool fight scenes and funky characters. IMBD.com gives it a 5.3. I give it a 6 for sentimental reasons.

Italian Job ($5)
This is a solid movie and remake of the 1969 Michael Caine flick. Mark Wahlberg headlines a stellar cast of characters including Charlize Theron, Jason Statham, Seth Green, and Ed Norton. The film follows a group of high-end burglars who are two-timed by their friend (Norton), who steals millions in gold from them. The movie shows how they attempt to get the gold back. With dazzling car chases, hip characters, a young and talented cast, and good acting, this movie entertains at all levels. Check it out for a fun viewing. IMBD.com gives it a 6.9. I give it a 7.

Memento Special Edition ($9)
I was more than excited to say the least to see this special edition lying around for nine bones. It's a dark, psychological masterpiece about a man who loses his short term memory and his wife in an incident in his own home but struggles to find out who did it and how and why. Guy Pierce headlines and is joined by Carrie-Anne Moss and Joe Pantoliano, who both help and abuse their friend who's lost his mind. The movie requires multiple viewings because of the many subtleties inherent to it and because some of it is shot going backwards in time, revealing more and more of the plot. The viewer can really feel the main character's pain as he struggles with everyday life and continually writes notes to remember the simplest of things. We root for him the whole way, not necessarily knowing what to expect of the man, but full knowing that we want him to find his wife's murderer. See this movie immediately if you're a fan of film, specifically deep, intellectual pieces. This one will keep you thinking for days after. IMDB.com has it at an 8.6 and ranked #27 of all time. I give it an 8.5.

Reservoir Dogs 15th Anniversary Special Edition ($5)
Once again, five dollars for this special edition is a no-brainer. This edition carries its DVDs in a mock-oil can and a giant book of matches. It's awesome. If you don't know this Tarantino flick about a heist gone bad, you need to know, and you need to know fast. The movie is sheer style, with its cast (Michael Madsen, Steve Buscemi, Tim Roth, Harvey Keitel, etc.) oozing with early 90s confidence. The dialogue is extraordinary as is the case with Quentin's films. His great feat, however, is how he's able to tell the story without ever showing the actual heist. After they figure out that someone in their group ratted them out to the police, we see the members of the criminal team lose all faith in each other and completely lose their cool because of it. Throw in a nice torture scene and a little bit of the background information of the job, and you've got yourself a great movie. See it immediately. IMDB.com rates it at 8.4 at #68 of all time. I give it an 8.5.

Spider Man 2 ($5)
This movie is great. Enough said. The action is ridiculous, and it is arguable that this sequel is better than the original. I think so. Doctor Octopus (played by Alfred Molina) is a great villain. The backstory is pieced together nicely as always and the comic book feel is simply perfect. The minor characters are played well by James Franco, Kirsten Dunst, and J.K. SimmonTs. I guess I'm just a sucker for superhero movies, but make no mistake: this movie will knock your socks, sneakers, shoes, and galoshes off. See it now, or forever be a terrible person!!! IMDB doesn't give it enough credit with a 7.7. I give it an 8.5.

The Matrix ($7)
This is the first installment to what is easily my favorite trilogy ever. I honestly couldn't tell you why I didn't own it until now. I've owned the second two for some time now. The Matrix seems to be hit or miss with moviegoers, but I think it's just brilliant. It is easily the most psychological, philosophical, and religiously deep movie ever made. In fact, it's so deep that when someone asks you what it's about, you might as well order a pizza and break out some diagrams for the night because there's no way they'll understand you otherwise. Each of the three films requires multiple viewings to grasp all of the nuance and subtlety. This first one follows Neo, a computer junkie who feels that there is something more to his life. He is found by a man who says he can show him the path, and he evolves into the leader of a revolution to save humankind from complete destruction. Now, this is just the base storyline, and the film has top-notch dialogue, mind-bending action, and drama, with deep characterization to boot. I do realize that some critics and filmgoers do not like the movie. And their opinion is noted, but I strongly urge anyone to see this movie and see it fast. It truly is the full experience. IMDB.com gives it ans 8.6 and the #30 ranking of all time. I give it at least a 9.

American History X ($7)
Here's another gem, starring Ed Norton and Edward Furlong. This movie is a hard-nosed drama about racism and ethics in sub-urban America. Norton plays a devout neo-Nazi, who changes his ways after many trying experiences and must teach his younger brother (who has followed in his footsteps) of his new epiphany. It chronicles not only the main character's past experiences, but also the relationship between the brothers. Revealing much else would do a disservice to the film. All that needs to be said is the acting is marvelous and the movie includes some of the most gripping, most hard-hitting, most issue-driven drama in recent memory. Norton is at his absolute best here, and the story is haunting. IMDB has it rated at #40 all time with an 8.6. I give it a 9.

So, I think these are 8 decent flicks. Check them out if you can. If not, I think you're a cotton-headed ninnymuggins. I think the real moral of the story here is to get your ass to Best Buy immediately.

The Skinny Post - The Latest in Cultwear Fashion

The world is pooping the bed, people. Just take a look at the newest fad in the land of infomercials: Snuggies. It's a blanket with sleeves. I believe the pitch for the product is something like "ever have problems getting your arms stuck in your blanket? Not anymore." And I promise that's not a joke. It has to be the most useless, most absurd product I've seen in a few years. The idea itself is stupid, but apparently, the marketing and production departments didn't realize that their buyers look like they're wearing priest garb. Take a look at the commercial yourself. The sleeves are gigantic and it looks like a robe when worn. Calling all cult leaders! We've found your official product! And it's cheap! You can buy the expensive punch now! Take a look.

https://www.getsnuggie.com/

The Festo - State of New England Sports

With three teams currently dogging it out within their respective leagues, while each maintaining stellar records, it'd be hard to complain about being a sports fan in New England. Lately (this decade), there really hasn't been much to complain about either, but hey, this is a blog, and what else are blogs good for but complaining. So, let's start from the top, with the hands-down best sport ever created in the history of things with legs and arms: tackle football.

The New England Patriots: Coming off the greatest single year in the history of the sport (and the most monumental of collapses), things didn't get much better for the Pats. Tom Brady's knee said bye-bye, and most fans said bye-bye to the season and hopes of Super Bowl prominence when Brady's backup, Matt Cassel, stepped in. Cassel was a lifelong backup (4 years in the NFL and 4 years at USC at both quarterback and centerfield), and that's never any fun. After a few hiccups, however, Cassel proved to be a solid leader, and the Patriots once again found themselves in the hunt for the AFC East Championship and the playoffs. With a win at Buffalo and a loss by either the Dolphins (@ the Jets) or the Ravens (vs. the Jaguars), the Pats would find themselves fighting it out for the AFC crown for the sixth straight year. They held serve, defeating the Bills 13-0 in wind gusts of up to 60 mph. The two 4 p.m games ensued, and we watched with fingers crossed as the Jets became our last hope for the season (the Ravens had dominated in Baltimore). Brett Favre looked shaky as he had in the latter half of the season, and Pennington and the Dolphins looked lucky enough and destined to win as they had all season. In the end, it was the Dolphins who won, seemingly with God on their side, putting an end to the Pats' dreams of taking a most unlikely Super Bowl. They finished 11-5 on the year, and were only the second team in history with a record that good to miss the playoffs (1985 Broncos). All in all, it was a great season. Eleven wins in the AFC and all after the league's MVP went down early. Cassel showed some resolve and promise for the future. He's now expected to be one of the biggest free agents on the market, apparently earning himself a contract of up to 80 million dollars. Next year is still shaky, however, what with a very slow recovery process for Brady and the loss of Cassel. Every New Englander simply hopes that Brady can be the quarterback he was after the injury, especially after seeing the woes of many NFL stars after similar knee shots (Carson Palmer, Daunte Culpepper, Cadillac Williams, and even Donovan McNabb). The talent is undoubtedly still there (Moss, Welker, Watson, Morris, Faulk, Maroney) and if Brady can lock it up, the offense will still be potent. A minor problem could be an aging defense (which still managed to finish ranked seventh in the entire NFL), but a moderate draft position could help with that.

The Boston Celtics: After the big three led the C's to the promiseland last year, many thought age and complacency would hinder some of the goals for the year. Boy were they wrong. The C's have the best record in the league after their first 32 games (28-4) and had the best start in the history of the league (27-2) after a 19 game winning streak. They're primed for another run at the title, with the big three playing just as well as they did last year, and with Ray Allen playing even better. The real pleasure, though, is watching the development of Rajon Rondo, the flashy point guard from Kentucky. He's really come into his own with this team, and has truly become a leader on the floor. I remember many of my friends being sceptical about the draft choice, but even they have reneged on their reservations. He's that damn good. Pair that up with Kendrick Perkins getting better and the bench with an extra year of solid experience and you have a recipe for another championship as well as one for the disaster of the rest of the league. The Lakers ended their historic 19 game run on Christmas night, showing that they are still the team to beat in the West and the second in line to the Celts leaguewide. The Cavaliers and Magic have stepped up to be more than formidable opponents in the East, with Lebron and Dwight Howard looking better than ever, and the usual suspects are still around in the West. Two questions still linger for the Celts as the season moves along. The first is will they make a move for a free agent to compliment their squad? Some say yes. Names like Alonzo Mourning and Dikembe Mutombo have been floating around, as well as P.J. Brown's once again. Veteran point guard Sam Cassel is still on the bench providing leadership and savvy, and the biggins on the bench seem to be holding their own, so a move is still up in the air. The second question: when can we start the playoffs?

The Boston Bruins: Let's face it: we all know they're playing great. They're in first place in their conference and tied for the best in the NHL. I'm excited for them. I have friends that are huge fans. But I can probably only name about four players on their team, and I think the general consensus is that Hockey has grown irrelevant. I'll pay attention to them when the playoffs roll around...maybe.

The Boston Red Sox: They took a tough loss to the Rays in the ALCS last year, and the Yankees are signing every free agent on the market, but everyone seems to think they're still the frontrunner in the AL East. Their offseason has been quiet, probably because they have the most complete team in the majors, not to mention their young talent that gets better with every game, but I still think they could put another good arm to use. I also think Jason Varitek is a washed-up dinosaur. The potential woes are as follows: Beckett needs to have a Cy Young caliber year for them to be competitive, but he had an off-year in 07. It'll be hard for Lester to keep up his nasty streak of last year. Dice-K seems to always be a question mark. Getting to Papelbon could pose a problem. And Varitez was the worst hitter in the entire league last year (I'm not exaggerating). Maybe Theo Epstein was thinking on my level when he traded Coco Crisp for Royals pitcher Ramon Martinez, signed Japanese pitcher Junichi Tazawa, and recently signed pitcher Brad Penny of the Dodgers and catcher Josh Bard of the Padres. Now, it appears that Epstein is looking for a bat, reportedly talking to Rocco Baldelli and Jarrod Saltalamacchia and already touting young first baseman Lars Anderson within their ranks. They did pursue Mark Teixeira rather boldly, offering eight years and 160 million, but were outbid by the Yankees only a day or two after the Red Sox were named the leading candidate for the gold glove caliber switch hitter. And Manny Ramirez is still a free agent, but for obvious reasons the Red Sox are not going to do anything to change his status. In the end, it may be a very similar team to last year's that plays the 162. And that's just fine, with young studs like Pedroia, Lowry, Ellsbury, and Youkilis leading the way. Veterans Mike Lowell and David Ortiz should have better season after recovering from injuries, and the rotation, although shaky at times, is still one of the best in the MLB. Indeed, the season should be an intriguing one. The AL East is as stacked as ever, and big names have shifted all over the country. Either way, the Sox should be fully immersed in the hunt for the World Series.

I can't deny it. Being a New Englander is as pleasing as ever. Each team is in the playoff hunt, and we have some of the biggest stars in their respective leagues. I certainly can't complain at all and I know many of you are jealous. Haha. Let's go Celts.

The Festo - The Yankees Don't Need a Gift Receipt for Their Christmas Present

How does it happen every year? It becoming annoying to say the least, but the New York Yankees have once again dug deep into their wallets and signed the biggest free agents of the year. This time it's been to the tune of more than 400 MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!! And this is for just three players.

Let's see: their major problem last year was pitching. Andy Pettitte and Mike Mussina held their own, but Wang was hurt, they were aging, Pettite was going to be a free agent, and Mussina just happened to retire in the off-season. So, what do you do? First, give A.J. Burnett a call. He'll listen. Tell him you're ready to give him 5 years and 82 million, and he'll drop the phone and collapse. Let's face it: he's a middle-of-the-road pitcher who's had injury problems for literally the entirety of his career. But he was a markee name in the mix because of his first truly stellar performance with the Blue Jays last year.
So, that's one minor solution to the problem. The major solution: C.C. Sabathia, the Cy Young caliber pitcher recently of the Brewers and Indians. He had a monster second half of the year with the Brewers, so much so that although he started horrendously, he still garnered some NL MVP consideration. So, offer him the biggest pitching contract in MLB history. 7 years and 161 Million. No big deal, right? Just pocket change. That makes two big name pitchers to alleviate their woes from the mound. And they still have Wang coming back healthy and the option to sign Pettitte again. Joba Chamberlain can move back to the bullpen, and this team will have the filthiest rotation in the league.

From there, you may say that the Yankees' bats were a bit weak last year. I wouldn't necessarily, but maybe their upper management would. So, they go looking for a new bat. Not Mark Teixeira, though, because he was being pursued by the Red Sox, Angels, and Nationals, among others. Well, guess what? Everyone was wrong. Teixeira sat back and watched for weeks as teams offered him contracts of up to 160 million. The greedy bastard that he was waited on it, and sure enough, when it seemed as though no one was interested, the Yankees swooped in and offered him 20 million more than that 160. Yup. 8 years and 180 million. It's absurd.
For the two or three weeks prior, the Red Sox were the consensus frontrunners, but when Teixeira threw their 160 million back in their face, they pulled away. Then came the Angels, who offered a very similar hefty chunk of change but were denied. They pulled away also. The Orioles and Nationals, who were willing to dish out some serious cash as well, just never seemed like they would snag him anyway. So, it was the Yankees, who seemingly always use their power of green to win over their players, and in the course of about two and a half weeks, they managed to sign three of the biggest free agents in the market at a price of 420 million. And now, they're targeting Derek Lowe and Manny Ramirez, the two other big free agents this year.

The crux of the matter here is the lack of the salary cap. Every other major sport has one. And every other major sport is that much more competitive. The Major League has easily become the most top-heavy of them all, with only five to ten teams having a legitimate chance at winning the World Series each year. Some would argue the opposite, citing the Tampa Bay Rays of last year or the Florida Marlins of years past, but consider this: the Rays have loads of young talent. Everyone knows that. They also only have a 40 million dollar payroll each year. So, what happens when those young, talented players' contracts expire? Teams like the Yankees, Red Sox, Angels, or Mets will swoop in and scoop them up with lucrative contracts. The system is inherently flawed.

We saw the same thing happen with the World Series Marlins, who shipped off all of their markee players in the following two years. The MLB has no parody whatsoever, and it hurts no one but the fans. What's exciting about seeing the Yankees in the World Series nine out of ten times? Nothing. What's exciting about seeing the same teams in the playoffs every year? Nothing. What's exciting about watching as money and greed take over the sport instead of hard work and loyalty. Nothing. And this is coming from a Red Sox fan, who has watched his team use this system of no salary cap to perfection. But as a fan of baseball as a whole, these recent events have truly made me nauseous.

A potential solution would undoubtedly be a salary ceiling and floor. Say 120 Million and 60 Million just to inject some parody in the league. When stars are only going to one of a possible three or five teams, the league goes stale. A plan like this would eliminate that possibility and showcase some smaller market teams to the U.S. Because now, those small market teams are hurting terribly. If I'm a Pittsburgh Pirates fan or season ticket holder, where's my incentive to continue paying for the tickets? The Pirates aren't competitive every year, and most of us know how difficult it is to root for a bad home team. The MLB needs to implement some legislation to fix this problem. Otherwise, we're going to end up where the league started: with a few marketable teams left and an interest level that is solely attributable to the region in which you live.

The Skinny Post - Shoutout to Some Good People

I recently caught wind of a blog that a few of my friends put together here on blogspot. It's called The Art Official Commune. Basically, it's an attempt to unite the local artists of Rhode Island, East Providence, or anyone else we've encountered along the way. Being an East Providence Townie, writer, and artist myself, I found it interesting and unique. In fact, I had no idea some of these friends of mine were writers, painters, musicians, etc. So, needless to say, I'm excited about its endeavor and look forward to posting some of my own work in the future.

On another related note, I've recently discovered the show Red Eye of FoxNews. I know, I know. Some of you hear Fox and curse it and its hosts to the high heavens, but Red Eye is quite different. First of all, it airs at three in the a.m. That alone should tell you its a bit of an outcast within the FoxNews ranks. It also doesn't take on too many political issues, but rather just jokes on various situations in pop culture and the mainstream media. The show is downright hilarious and the host of the show, Greg Gutfeld, is gold. He has his own blog, The Daily Gut, that posts a daily rant about whatever issue seems to be prevalent at the time. If there is anyone who reads my stupid blogs (I'm fairly convinced that there isn't), they should also definitely check out these two gems. There located on my blog list to the left, or if you're lazy and don't feel like scrolling down, here are the links.



http://artofficialcommune.blogspot.com/
http://thedailygut/

The Skinny Post - Dodgeball Prospect?

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball." How about a shoe, though? Last week, we saw our commander in chief show some serious athletic skills when an Iraqi reporter threw two shoes at him in the middle of a press conference. President Bush dodged them artfully and popped his head up smiling as if to say "listen buddy, we can go a full twelve if you really want." Bush handled the situation with complete class as he has in his two terms in office, never too effected by the political left loons and always quick to show compassion before hate. What really kills me about this particular situation, however, is the complete lack of respect by this reporter for the democracy that we have provided and helped sustain for him. Apparently, he likes his newfound freedoms in Iraq, enough so to throw his shoes in a press conference, but he isn't too fond or appreciative of the folks that perpetuate the democratic sentiment. Tell me how that makes sense. Aside from the sheer disrespect for a world leader, or another human being for that matter, this reporter seems to so quickly forget what Saddam's dictatorship meant for him and his family. In his previous leader's regime, this reporter wouldn't need shoes at all. Because Saddam would've lopped his feet off if he even threw a sock in a press conference. This is what happens when you give primitive folk a freedom they're not accustomed to. They shit all over it and expect some sort of sympathy. How about a simple thank you and a logical debate or discussion about your region's problems like what should've happened. Apparently, that's out of the question. Apparently, democracy to him is the freedom to play dodgeshoe with people who have fought long and hard to earn their political merits. Luckily for us, we have a president that not only has the ability to stand up to the sheer terror of the world, but the class to deal with the kooks who don't understand it. On a lighter note, we're lucky he's studied Vince Vaughn's moves in Dodgeball.

The POP-ED - No More Sequels for Saw, No Solace for Bond's Script, and Please No More of Will Smith's Children in Movies!

This past month has seen me at the theater three times. Each film was marketed well, and I fully expected to be entertained regardless of the actual quality of each film. They were each tops at the box office in their respective opening weeks, and they each had some history to them. I felt like I knew them rather well. That said, at least two of the three failed miserably, while the other failed in a rather important aspect of filmmaking.

I suppose I'll start with the movie that I felt to be the worst of the three: Saw V. Let me preface this by saying that I've been a Saw fan since the beginning. I've found all of their movies to be quite entertaining, even cutting edge in a couple of instances, and even though I was able to realize that they were pushing the limits in regards to storyline, I still told myself to enjoy them. The original Saw had a plotline and birthed a serial killer by the name of Jigsaw (although our antagonist would never admit he actually was a killer; he insists on splitting hairs) that audiences had simply never seen before. The movie was released around the same time as Hostel and held viewers to their seats with an anticipation and suspense that few had seen since perhaps The Ring. The sequel, Saw II, had a different plotline, with the same killer, that followed a group of people who were challenged by Jigsaw collectively. Here, we saw how Jigsaw was able to directly effect the police force that had been attempting to nab him. The third and fourth installments can in fact be seen as one film and were frankly an excuse for gore and blood. And then, there was the fifth. Saw V was the biggest stretch of a sequel that perhaps I had ever seen (The one I can remember being as absurdly desperate was Predator 2, but I can't say I've seen all of the Jason Voorhies installments). The film resembles Saw II the closest, in that it followed a group of victims who were urged to work together to survive their situation. Otherwise, the film attempts to delve into the police force wayyyyyy more than humanly tolerable and fails at its attempt to weave new characters and plots into the main story. Also, while I'd normally say that the bad acting and poor script were negligible because of the entertaining, new ideas, now, I can only drop my jaw at some of the predictability and redundancy. The bottom line here is the sequels should've probably stopped a year ago at four. Frankly, I'm embarrassed that one of my favorite horror classics has been relegated to this. I'm even more embarrassed that I'm giving this movie a 5 out of 10 simply because I still have a particular place in my heart for the original story. Somehow, I can still get off to this: the most blatant attempt at a genre horror film in some time. 5/10

The following week I walked into the theater, excited to see The Day the Earth Stood Still, featuring Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly, and Jon Hamm of Mad Men (my favorite show on television by the way). I had heard nothing but good things about the film it was based on: the 1950s sci-fi tale of an alien and his robot. I expected something of the same, with a storyline geared for today's audience and dazzling special effects. I actually imagined it to be quite similar to War of the Worlds, the Tom Cruise remake of a few years prior. And for the first thirty or forty minutes or so, I was quite right. The effects were spectacular, the plot and back-story (which was plain old cool for any movie fan) picked up right away, and I was excited to see what would happen next. Then entered Jaden Smith, the child actor and son of star Will Smith. I can honestly say he ruined the final hour and thirty minutes of the movie. He played the role of the naive child who wanted all of the aliens dead. He came off as whiny and annoying. After convening with my compadres, they all felt the same. Smith was the major downfall of the movie. Each scene he took part in was simply unnecessary and bothersome. It was clear that this kid only got the part because of his name. It was clear that this kid did not belong on the big screen. Keanu and Connelly played their parts well enough though. I had always felt that Keanu was an underrated actor due to his ne'er do well, surfer-boy mystique that he so well earned as a young guy. But he has made some decent movies as of late (The Matrix Trilogy, Speed, Street Kings, A Scanner Darkly, Devil's Advocate, Constantine) and he plays his parts well. Make no mistake, I'm not saying he merits an Oscar or even Oscar consideration, but he makes entertaining movies nonetheless. Connelly is an esteemed actress in her own right (Blood Diamond, A Beautiful Mind, Requiem for a Dream) and she pulled her weight. But a deviance from the original story, including the sheer neglect of many major details of the aliens' motives and some predictability in regards to run-of-the-mill sci-fi flicks, had this film teetering on mediocrity. Ultimately, it was the overbearing overacting of Smith did us all in. Combined with the fact that as the movie went on, it strayed from the original plotline, Smith took this movie under. It was an unstoppable duo. And because of these two problems, I give it a 5 of 10. See War of the Worlds instead. 5/10

The third and easily the best of the movies I was lucky to see this month was Quantum of Solace with Daniel Craig as the new James Bond. When I say that this was an action film, I mean it was THE action film. Immediately, the film starts off with a car chase, with multiple European sports cars flying around, between, and off of bridges. From there, we see a foot chase, similar to that of the foot chase in Casino Royale, where bond hunts a man who has information about his lover's murder. Next, there's a boat chase. A few boats get blown up over here. A few more over there. And then, on to the plane chase. I kid you not. There were three chase scenes in the first half hour, capped off with a plane chase somewhere in the middle of the movie just for kicks. It was absurd action. Daniel Craig IS James Bond. Let's get that straight. He embodies him in every way, and carries himself with a ruggedness that Pierce Brosnan was unable. Craig did what he was expected in his role, as did the Bond girls Olga Kurylenko and Gemma Arterton (why do they always find the difficult names for the Bond girls), but there was one simple problem: lack of story and script. This movie was a true-to-form revenge flick. Very little important dialogue and loads of mindless action to entertain the viewer. And in this aspect, it did its job. Action. Action. Action. Cut. Nice shoot everybody. Go home. And wait until we destroy box office numbers with its release. I can only imagine that that's what producers had expected. And it worked. I walked out of the theater confident that I spent my ten bucks well. As a guy, I loved Bond and I loved the action. And as a fan of genre films, I got what I wanted. I gave it 7.5 of 10. I can't wait to add it to my James Bond DVD collection.

With ratings of 5, 5, and 7.5, I actually was surprised to see that the voters of IMDB.com agreed with me. They graded the films 5.9, 5.8, and 7.1 respectively. Maybe I should keep up with this kind of stuff. Haha.

The Skinny Post - Great Minds Have Big Feet?

So, I was lounging around like I usually do during the week, thinking of fun, cheap ways to make some money. In fact, the money really wasn't the main issue, but rather some sort of venture my friends and I could embark on, with fun in mind and the mere potential for profit. I remembered a kid I met down in Tampa. He was a legend in his own right, had a sweet pad on a lake, and was all about water sports. He owned his own clothing label, chiefly selling tee-shirts. It seemed like too simple an idea, maybe too hopeless, but to my surprise, the kid was profitable as all hell. He sponsored a couple of the local waterskiers and wakeboarders and we'd head over to his house for parties and exhibitions that they actually held on the lake. It was badass. He was badass. I wanted that badassness. I still do. I began to think of what kind of tee-shirt label my friends and I would come up with. I decided that we were all cooky enough to where we said or heard about fifty ridiculous, inane, stupidly hilarious things in a given week. Why couldn't we tranfer that over to some tees? It'd be that simple. I still have no idea as to what I would name the small company, but ideas for the content definitely flowed well. I figured I'd throw three on here just to get a rise.

1st shirt:
Front: You know what they say about great minds?
Back: Big Socks...

2nd Shirt:
Front: Women...can't live with 'em....
Back: .........................................

3rd Shirt:
Front: My girlfriend says she like Slim Jims...
Back: ...I think she likes chubby ones too.

I know they're stupid, but hey, it's a goofy thing to think about.

The Skinny Post - The Hair to End All Hairs

We've all seen Illinois State Governor, Rod Blagojevich, or Blagamavich, or Blahblahblahvich. We've all seen him on the daily news, and we've all seen the coverage about how he's a shady prick who wanted to deal under the table for the vacant Illinois Senate seat. There's no doubt he's a sheisty bastard. It seems pretty darn apparent. All politics, bribery, and hoopla aside, however, I honestly think more people should be talking about how ridiculous this guy's hair is. It is the ugliest thing I've seen since I went to Water Country ten years ago and stumbled upon two wet, naked, and noticeably hairy retards in the bathroom making out by the bubbler. I was scarred for life. Now, it seems that excessive hairiness has struck me terribly wrong once again. This hair rivals the absurdity of Trump's and the laughability of Conan's. Does anyone think he looks like Stephen King, by the way? Check out some pics, people.


http://www.ipsn.org/indictments/levine/gov0916_285.jpg
http://tomroeser.com/blog/img/f24534/blagojevich.jpg
http://insidesportsgeek.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/blagojevich.jpg

The Skinny Post - Hypocrite-opotamus

So, I'm back and it's been a few months, I know. I did exactly what I told myself (and everyone else) I wasn't. I simply got bored and neglected my page. Since I last posted, Tom Brady's knee was blown out, Barack Obama was elected first black president, I turned a year older, and the Celtics have had the best start in league history. I guess these things have distracted me. Truth is, I expected to keep up with the blog until my departure for basic training for the Air Force Reserves (which was supposed to be on October 7th). I'm not sure if anyone has noticed but it's a little later and a little colder than that nowadays, and I'm still here freezing my ballsack off. Fact is, I dread winter more than most, and I would have basked in my own self-satisfaction down in Texas, where the air is warm and the women are like fine rubies ready for a buffing. But I'm not there, am I? No, I'm not. I've been swindled and screwed over royally by this incompetent branch of the armed forces worse than the dentist did Gary Busey's veneers. I've been massively duped by tumbling dickweeds. Somehow, they seemed too foul up my paperwork, fully preventing me from embarking on my flight down south. What's worse, is I was the last one to find out. A day before my scheduled flight!!!!! So, I tried and tried to leave ASAP, but the earliest possible flight they found for me was on the upcoming St. Patrick's Day. March 17, folks. I signed my papers in May of last year. Do the math: that's almost a year later. My life has officially been postponed, and I'm not sure if I'll be back in school before next fall. My only problem now is finding a goddamn job. I've been looking for months now, but because of the dwindling economy, everyone seems to have a spending freeze. So, hoo-hah two times Tuesday; i need to find one desperately. I'm back, bitches.