Cheese and Krakens

By the above picture, you can deduce that I'm referring to the movie, Clash of the Titans, which I just recently saw for the first time. Frankly, it's cheesy, through and through, seemed like it had a poor editing effort, and maybe even too small of a budget for the subject matter at hand. Essentially, it bit off more than it could chew. The film did, however, have some redeeming qualities, and I can definitively say that the mythology behind it all is generally pretty cool, for lack of a better term. My overall thoughts on the movie are as follows...

• I wish the producers took an even more grandiose approach. Yes, at first glance, this may seem like a GARGANTUAN project as is, and it actually is ($125 million budget) due to its solid cast, its special effects, and its artistic developments, BUT with that said, it probably could've used a Lord of the Rings approach. Dare I say that there is definitely enough material here for a trilogy? Dare I say that they could've also thrown some more money at this project? I'd say the effects were mediocre at best; Clash of the Titans could've certainly used a boost in this department. And how about a team of writers to expand the movie into a true blockbuster? A little more cash here could've helped exponentially at the box office. And I'm not an idiot; a trilogy is a heck of an undertaking, and no one could legitimately expect LoTR returns at the box office, yet the movie was only 1 hour 40 minutes long and some "key" characters were killed off, while the audience was left without any affection for them at all. It could've used some more meat on its bones, so to speak. At least give the audience a 2 1/2 hour event. I mean, it was supposed to be epic, wasn't it? Well, I didn't necessarily feel that way throughout, and that problem falls on the producers and trickles down to the director. Period.


• The mythology is AWESOME. We see some great storylines here: the need for the Gods to feel the love of the human they created, the ever-present feud between Zeus and Hades, the demi-god Perseus and his quest to avenge his family's death, the people of Argos defying the Gods, the fellowship between the warriors of Argos, Perseus, and the Djinns, and the battles against various mythological creatures, including giant scorpions and namely, the Kraken. There is some serious material here, and it goes largely underutilized. That's not to say someone like me couldn't get excited when seeing a giant scorpion, a Djinn made of wood, or a goddamn Kraken. That was all enthralling but I was still left wanting more.


• Let's talk Kraken. First of all, the only other time I had seen a Kraken on film was in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (which has some noteworthy mythology as well; that's a whole other bag of chips, however), and I have to admit, I was a little disappointed in their depiction of the Kraken. I guess it was a little more classic - more sea-monster-esque, more Jules Verne, Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, more tentacle than brute force and muscle - version of the Kraken. I got NONE of that sentiment when I saw this Kraken. My initial impression was that this was quite possibly the coolest movie monster ever on film. And I can stand by that statement to this day. YET, once again, Clash of the Titans came up short in its usage of the Kraken. I needed this thing to come out of the water and be ready to inflict some pain. I mean, it had fists the size of elementary schools for Christ's sake. It could've been doing some work on some dudes. And like I said, it merely flashed itself on screen, and before we knew it, it was turned to stone by Medusa's gaze. The two problems were obvious: it needed more screentime, and it needed to be more lethal. That's what I need in a Kraken.

So, I wouldn't say it was a complete waste of time, but Clash of the Titans fell short in many ways. I hope someone with some balls gets a hold of the rights to it in 20 years and puts a real epic together. I just recently watched Kung Fu Panda for the first time, and I'd even consider that more epic. And that's how I'll end this post: Jack Black as a panda: Thumbs up, Underutilized Kraken: Thumbs Down.

So You Feel Like Death?

Yeah, I've read 'em all...every blogpost or Yahoo! article about curing hangovers...every Men's Health piece about preventing them...every mad scientist's recipe panacea for beer shits and puking up that yellow stomach fluid that I lovingly refer to as "the egg yolk." Well, guess what: I'm here to tell you that they're all wrong. This post isn't one of pretty hopes and dreams, and bells and wind chimes, and unicorns and reindeer. No, no. This isn't the post that's going to tell you to blend some fruity-tutti, rainbow-colored elixir to cure it all. And this certainly isn't the post that's going to preach science and tell you to get your immune system up and working by replenishing the vitamins and minerals you lost during your awesome night out with the guys, picking up hos and feeling different. No, no...this is coming from a man that's seen the worst of it. I've tackled the daunting 2-day hangover, I've puked and rallied countless times, pissed myself dozens of times, and I've seen half my room torn to shit from an incoherence that only Tequila can vouch for. I'd say in the 8 years I've been drinking, I've probably vomited on at least a thousand occasions. And I'm living to talk about it. Because hangovers are my specialty. With that said, let me throw a couple of truths your way, so when you're hitting the Miller Lite Vortices and the bottles like I do on a Friday, you can be better prepared to make it a full weekend of partying instead of sitting in on Saturday night and watching Land of the Lost with your 12 year-old, possibly-gay little brother, who likes Gossip Girl a liiiiiiittle too much. Needless to say, you needn't be reading this if you're a "casual drinker" who enjoys a beer with his dinner and a nice chapter of Chicken Soup for the Soul before tucking himself in bed. This is for the true partyers, those of us who know 2 a.m. is too early for the bars to close and who know all too well that color of the sky before the sun decides to poke its head on Saturday morning. Here goes:

• First and foremost, GET YOUR MINDSET RIGHT: Listen, odds are you're going to be hungover. You went out last night and you need to expect some consequences to doing Patron body-shots at that place you can't quite seem to remember with that girl who may or may not have been a 4 out of 10. Hey, if you wake up feeling like a million, more power to you, but you need to realize that this is an anomaly and doesn't quite happen often. So, get it through your head that headaches, bodyaches, a few scrapes and bruises, and some serious nausea are to come. No big deal, right? If you know and respect what's waiting for you on the flip side, you're more apt to attack it successfully.



• WAKE UP: Sure, we all need sleep. We all need our bodies to recoup, right? Well, I'm just saying once you get your 6-8 hours, get out of bed. Don't overdo the sleep. Don't feel sorry for yourself. You have a new day to take by the horns, and you don't need to be wasting it in limbo. We all know the Food Network is soothing when you're hungover, but Giada De Laurentiis' meals aren't popping through the screen anytime soon, and basking in your own stench and sorrow isn't going to get you ready for round 2 this weekend. So, get your ass up, open the shades to let the light in, and B-line straight for the bathroom because this is where some of your most crucial work will be done this morning/early afternoon.



• SIT DOWN ON THE TOILET: I'm serious, gentlemen. Take a shit. Take a mean one. Purge that system. Out with the bad, in with the good. And poop is bad in my book. And listen, even if you don't need to drop one, sit down anyway. You'll certainly be able to squeeze out a piss. I know, I know. Guys aren't supposed to be sitting down to piss. Well, screw off, retarded meathead. These are dire times, and no one needs to be aiming at this hour or in this condition. Not to mention, that trek from your bedroom to the bathroom was long and tiring. You probably fell once or twice, maybe stubbed your toe or cracked your knee, so take a load off.



• TAKE A COLD SHOWER: Get naked and get in, folks. The perks of being in the shower at this time are aplenty: First, it'll surely wake you up fully. It should give you the shock that you need to really get moving. Second, it'll bring that body temperature down. No one likes to be nauseated AND warm; it worsens the sensation tenfold. So, chillax for a bit and let the water do its work. Third, it gives you an opportunity to assess the damage: like I said..cuts, scrapes bruises...these should all come to light in the shower. So, take inventory of your injuries, if any, and go from there. If a bone's popping out, I'd suggest the hospital. If you're just a bit sore, grow a pair. And lastly, the shower gives you a solid opportunity to purge from the opposite end. Yep, I said it. Vomit already! It's not as big of a deal as most make it out to be. And at this point, you wouldn't be blowing chunks; it'd be spit and bile, and maybe, the aforementioned egg yolk if you're lucky. It'll be fine in the shower and wash right down the drain. Get the crap out like you did on the toilet and clear the system for the goods that are going to pull you from this nightmare. And this leads me to the next bullet...



• EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT: Eat whatever you can get your hands on and eat some more. Leftover buffalo chicken calzone? Eat it. Bananas in the fruit bowl? Eat 'em. Pizza rolls? Throw 'em in the oven and eat a bagel or two while you wait for the oven to do its thing. Seriously, the sloppier the food, the better. If you don't want to head to your own kitchen because your parents are down there, eat out. Grab some BK or McDonald's and go to town. Do work on a few double cheeseburgers and some fries. Wash it down with an uncarbonated beverage. No milk though. This is the first of the fuel that'll keep you going all night long again. So, be sure to get a solid foundation of grease, fat, and starch, and before you know it, that first beer of the day won't be sounding so bad.

And there you have it: your sure fire way to dig yourself from the trenches. You'll be right as rain by mid-afternoon and be on the horn with friends, trying to coerce them into hitting the town for a pregame dinner and drinks at 7. That first beer'll go down like water with dinner, and you and your buddies'll be back and better than ever at your favorite bar, doing shots with mediocre looking women. Then, that Sunday rolls around, and you've got some football to watch. And we all know football tastes best with beer. It's the vicious cycle, people. Get used to it.

Brett Fart and All of His Stank Stank

So, a couple of days ago, Brett Favre finally made his "momentous" drive to the Minnesota Vikings' facility, subsequently telling the world that he "would like to play for the Vikings this season" as if he really needs to coax them into bringing him back. ESPN was sure to follow his SUV in their helicopter the entire way and was sure to continue the dreary commentary throughout the late afternoon and on into the evening, with no regard for other newsworthy stories or for the viewers, who, in large part, cannot stand the soap opera that both ESPN and chiefly, Brett Fart, have created. And this brings me to my argument today. I was emailed that day by a good friend and fellow sports enthusiast, and here's what it said:

The media (ESPN being the main culprit) is the biggest joke! Everybody knew Favre was waiting for camp to end to make sure his ankle was okay and then he would show up, just like last year. They have stories about him retiring, constantly trying to make stories out of nothing. Now he's on his way to MN and there's a boatload of reporters on the ground waiting there. They are the ones that make this a big deal, NOT BRETT FAVRE!

And I couldn't disagree more. My responses:

Does that make Brett Favre's actions acceptable, though? It IS big news because he's so ridiculously pompous and because he continues to alienate his teammates and the organizations he works for, each offseason. It's big news because he doesn't seem to think it is a big deal when it certainly is. So, yeah espn exploits the story probably more than they should (they do with everything, i.e. Lebron, Tiger), but they wouldn't do so if it wasn't largely affecting the balance of the NFL and the integrity of the game. Favre used to be one of my favorite players b/c he always left it on the field, and now (while he still has the heart) he's revealed himself as a self-centered prick w/ no care for his team, his coaches (evidenced by his blatant disregard for Brad Childress), or for the NFL, the conglomerate that gave him the riches he accrued over his career and continues to do so to this date. So, while ESPN is certainly one of the culprits in this debacle/farce, BRETT FAVRE is undoubtedly the biggest.

By the way, if this was someone with less football prowess, with less influence on the game, on the conference, and on the league, this coverage wouldn't be going down. And that's my point. It IS news b/c he decides to toy with the league and his org. Can you imagine if this was someone like Sammy Morris or even someone a little more legit, like a Chad Johnson or an Anquan Boldin, doing this? No one would give a damn. Sure, it might get some coverage, but the fact that he's a stud veteran QB on a juggernaut of a team in the NFC, the fact that he's probably worth an extra 4 or 5 wins for this team, and the fact that he thinks his actions are ok, make this a noteworthy story. And as an aside, kudos to Green Bay for dropping this grade-A prick. Look at them now: Rodgers is a stud and they'll be a perennial contender with one of the most prolific offenses in the league. Good for them.

Lastly, It's ridiculous that everyone around Favre is expected to act with class, i.e. Tavaris Jackson, Brad Childress, the front office etc., while Favre lacks the most class in this situation. If I was A-Pete or one of the leaders on the defensive side of the ball, I would've called him out a long time ago. He gets this free, golden pass each year with EVERYTHING he does on and off the field, and it's ridiculous. I'm sorry if I'm a little over-enthusiastic about this issue, but he really was one of my favorite players, and I've witnessed him turn into something disgusting, something pathetic.

And there you have it, folks. Yes, Brett Fart is a great player, but Brett Fart is also a prima-donna, he's egotistical, classless, disrespectful, deceitful, and frankly full of shit. His conceit is only matched by LeBron and his Hulk Hogan-esque introduction to Miami, or maybe Tiger and his whorescapades. And it is this that makes him so dislikeable nowadays. Sorry, Fart, you've managed to alienate your teammates, your management, and most importantly, your fans. And newsflash: the Vikings fans don't even like you; they just want their team to win. I guess I'll probably go home and burn my Brett Fart football card collection tonight.

Quick-Hitters - Inception, Jonny Double, and More...

Alright, so this post is meant to give you quick reviews and glimpses into some of the shit I've seen and done recently. Here goes: i saw Inception opening weekend in IMAX with some friends and absolutely loved it. I know some critics bashed it from the get-go for various reasons, including lack of coherence, inability to live up to the hype, weak concepts, and let's face it, Ellen Paige (OK, well maybe the critics didn't bash her, but I'm just not that big of a fan of emotionless 12 year old boys. Oh wait, she's a woman, and she's 23!). Just kidding. I think Ellen did a fine job in her role as the dreamworld-creating newbie and was even endearing at times. Anyhow, in regards to the critics' gripes, I couldn't disagree more. I thought it lived up to the hype and then some. The scenery was mind-blowing and majestic at times, and the stellar concepts are exactly what drove this movie to greatness, especially in IMAX. As for the coherence: it certainly deserves more than one viewing (don't all of Nolan's movies?), but I understood it just fine. It's certainly no Little Mermaid in regards to storyline. YOU HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION. What a novel idea. As for the acting, Leo and Ken stole the show for me. Joseph Gordon Levitt and little-known, Tom Hardy had stellar performances as well. Inception also caught flak for not being entirely original or seemingly stealing ideas from other mediums. And the bottom line here is: no one has ever taken those ideas and applied them in this manner. And certainly not on the big screen. So, I say: Haters, stop hating. Go back to your basement and masturbate to your most recent issue of GamePro or something. Overall, this concept-driven movie is easily an 8 or 9 out of ten.

Next on the slate is Jonny Double, a short trade paperback written and drawn by the same guys who so aptly created the world of 100 Bullets, Azzarello and Risso. Jonny Double was a character created over 4 decades ago, and has many of the same noir-ish themes that 100 Bullets does. Azzarello resurrected the character and threw him into a new scenario and Risso provided the backdrop. Once again, I loved their work. It's seamless. This new story for Jonny places him with a new group of criminals, who have an intriguing idea for a heist. The problem is, they bite off more than they can chew. Did they steal from the wrong mobster? Is it one of their own that begins picking them off? Can you ever trust the sexy woman? Some of these questions are the epitome of noir pieces, and Jonny Double is just that, true to form, with all of its grittiness and subtext. The four installments are collected in one volume for quick reading. I'd recommend anything that Azzarello and Risso touch, and this TP is no different.

Lastly, I'd like to throw in a random fact of the day: Aldous Huxley did a whole hell of a lot of drugs.

And there you have it, folks. Happy reading to all!